Different Feelings
by okulla
Summary: She loves him, he doesn't love her... yet.
1. Chapter 1

Different Feelings

Margaret had fallen in love. It was unexpected and sudden, like a revelation. She had all the symptoms that Edith had told her of: excitement, longing, dreams, interest in every tiny thing about him. She did not realize it when she met him the first or even the second time. But suddenly she was sure. He was so different from every young man she had known in London or Helston. Even in his appearance – he was very tall, with broad shoulders and strong hands. Handsome, clever, vigorous, self-confident...

She was not used to feeling uncertain in a man's presence. It made her nervous, and even impulsive, like never before. This must have been the reason he did not like her. She felt his dislike in his every gesture and in every sentence he he said to her. He was very proud of his way of life and of his place on earth. And she did not belong and fit in that world. Apparently he found it impossible that she ever would.

She had tried to debate with him in the beginning of their acquaintance, but she had given up quickly. She stopped taking part in his conversations with her father. Still, she searched for his presence, and silently accompanied him and her father during their academic discussions. She kept her eye on his every move and gesture. Her ears caught his every word. She looked for any occasion to get at least a fleeting glance from him. She had touched him only once – their fingers had met accidentally when she had served him a cup of tea. When he was not present, every word involving Marlborough Mills or its owner caught her attention and made her listen carefully. Even when the comments were from Higgins and always of low opinion. She had even changed the path of her usual walk on Tuesdays when she found out about the masters' meetings in the club every week. It allowed her to see him more frequently, even if only from a distance. It gave her short moments of joy, and strength to wait for their next meeting.

After some time, she started to loathe herself for such an addiction. Her good feelings depended on his presence in her life. It would have been viewed as something humiliating in her eyes not so long ago. But she could not change it. She hated herself for the weakness of her own character. She felt like a slave. Her constant urge to see him, to hear his voice or at least have news about him... She wondered how could it be the same sort of feeling which had made Edith so happy.

But then everything had changed.

There were not many occasions in Milton to attend official gatherings. Not that Margaret had been missing them. Just that it could be a good occasion to meet Mr. Thornton in different circumstances. So when official invitations for Thornton's annual dinner had arrived, Margaret felt both excitement and hope. Excitement for the opportunity to see him once more. Hope that he could see her not merely as the daughter of his tutor and someone who served the tea, but as a real and grown woman at last. She spent a lot of time choosing her gown and hairstyle for the occasion. When she went down to join her father and Mr Bell before the grand evening she was quite satisfied with her appearance. She could see an expression of real admiration in the eyes of the two men. And when Mr. Thornton looked back and saw her in his dining room, she knew he had noticed her at last.

_I want to thank to whilewewereyetsinners for every word of this story._


	2. Chapter 2

_This story has its continuation thanks to whilewewereyetsinners. Thank you again._

Chapter 2

John was more than astonished. In her pale green gown Miss Hale looked amazing. He tried to remember when he had seen her last, but couldn't. Until this day she had been more like a piece of furniture in Mr. Hale`s home. He recalled that she had been present during his lessons with her father, and occasionally she had even shown him to the door. Yet it had been so meaningless to him that he had barely remembered her appearance.

That evening, however, she was hard to miss by anyone. When she caught his gaze, he had no choice other than to come closer to greet her, giving him a chance to examine her closely. She extended her hand and he gladly accepted. It was the first time he had touched her and it was an unexpectedly unique feeling. He had even unintentionally offered her a smile.

But his good impression and enchantment were ruined in a very short time. During the dinner Fanny brought up the topic of helping the strikers. It was suddenly exposed that Miss Hale not only had been giving them food, but that she also was a close friend of Bessy Higgins and Nicolas Higgins. That Higgins – the union leader! It was unacceptable in his society. He wondered how Mr. Hale could let his daughter keep such company. Deep in his heart, though, John knew the answer. During their talks he had gotten to know and value the good character of his tutor. He would describe Mr Hale not only as a gentleman, but as a good man as well. So how he could deny Miss Hale the same values, even if he didn't know her at all? But the way she rebuked him with her stinging retort about hungry children was far from the delicacy of her father.

Late in the night, lying in his bed, John had caught himself still thinking about this strange young woman. She absorbed his mind much more than he could understand. She had a witty, lively mind and a sharp tongue that he had never expected to find in a young woman. In any woman, in fact. Especially one from the South. She was not dull at all. Even if it could be very uncomfortable for both himself and Mr. Hale, John saw that she was at least honest. And honesty was a rare characteristic in his world. What an independent spirit she had!

That was it. That was the change. Tonight she had gained independence in his eyes. Until today she was merely Mr. Hale`s unnoticed daughter, from now on she was Miss Margaret Hale.

He was sure he would never wish that Fanny show such spirit. But as a adversary in discussion – he couldn't imagine a better advantage. He was never afraid of exchanging views and sharing his visions of world. And with such undeniable beauty, she would be a feast for the mind and eyes at the same time. He had to admit he was impressed, and he started to admire her.

And again there was not much time for John to properly think it over and reconcile his own feelings. There was a riot.

He was challenged by Miss Hale and he put himself in danger against his own judgement. But it was not he who had been hurt. Margaret was hit by a thrown stone when she was trying to help him. She put herself between him and the angry mob that was encircling him by her hands. She tried to protect him. Even if it was a stupid action, it was very brave also. When he was carrying her unconscious body to his house he was wondering that her behavior was so unpredictable.

It was very strange. He couldn't figure her out or understand the odd paths of her thoughts. His mother and his sister were such predictable creatures, and this woman was alarming. In every way. And uncertainty was never something he easily accepted.

However, she had compromised herself in the name of his safety. John knew he was probably the most desirable bachelor in this town, and that he was especially found so by women in difficult situations. Even if that was the true cause of her behavior, he just couldn't ignore her brave act. She had almost certainly saved his life. Now he was bound by honor to protect her from his society, just as she had protected him from her friends. Since his father's death, John's primary motivation had been to fulfill his duties, and this was another example of that. After long time of thinking, John had made a decision.

He couldn't have been more astonished when she rejected him next day. Despite telling her that he owed her his life and he was willing - in spite of her situation - to marry her, she was far from happy. He had never seen so much fury in anyone's eyes accompanied by such cold words. But she composed herself quickly, thanking him for his consideration and generosity, but saying she refused to hear any further insults. She said also that her situation was not his concern and certainly it would never be! Eventually she asked him to leave. Her request wasn't necessary, and he stormed out immediately without saying goodbye.

His first rational thought while he walked back to Marlborough Mill was: "Why don't I feel any relief?"


	3. Chapter 3

_Whilewewereyetsinners, thank you._

Chapter 3

The man she had adored for some time had just proposed. She should be happy. But it was not like Margaret had imagined at all. It was more like an act of mercy. He informed her with a composed expression about the consequences of her action during the riot for them both. And he mentioned honour, society, and duty. But she didn't care about his position. She dreamed of marrying for love, but not an unrequited one. She didn't want self-sacrifice from anyone.

So she told him she didn't like him and didn't want him. She rejected the love of her life in the name of ...what? Pride? Hope for some feelings? Margaret ran upstairs to her room, where she flung herself on the bed and cried. The next morning she woke up fully clothed, lying half on the floor and half on her bed. Somehow she managed to hide her puffy eyes from her parents and kept her face calm until she found Mr. Thornton's gloves forgotten in the living room. Then she pretended to feel sick and spent the rest of the day in her bed. She realized that yesterday's conversation had destroyed every tiny possibility of good relations with Mr. Thornton. She only had hope that her words would have no influence on Mr. Thornton's relationship with her parents. And she was right – he kept doing his best or even more for the Hales.

Every time she saw him striding towards her house Margaret felt severe pain in her heart. So she tried to avoid his visits, often excusing herself under the pretext of household duties or nursing her mother. She immersed herself in a great number of activities in an attempt to keep her mind busy and to be exhausted in the evenings. But her heart still longed for him. "I love and I will love," Margaret whispered to the pair of black gloves in the shelter of her room. "Against all reasonable thought."

It was a kind of relief for Margaret when she was invited by her aunt, and forced by her mother, to go to London. There she didn't have to be so wary of seeing the main object of her thoughts. She tried to enjoy her visit and clear her mind of Mr. Thornton, and so was absolutely unprepared for the moment she met him again. At first she didn't see him, but she could hear his voice. It was pure pleasure to observe him amongst a crowd of listeners. He towered over people and was absolutely self-confident, even authoritative. People were listening to him. Margaret was listening, too. Then he noticed her and his expression visibly changed. He scolded her in front of those people, and it was too much for her. She wasn't going to let anyone humiliate her. So she turned on her heel and would have left if he hadn't stopped her. "I thought I knew you," he said, and something in his voice made her unable to look up in his eyes. Then his sister appeared with a spiteful remark, and Margaret's companions arrived just moments later. After some not very pleasant small talk she could only try to assure him about her soon (and willing) return to the north.

After their unexpected meeting during Great Exhibition in London she realized that she was constantly unhappy. The sudden presence of Mr. Thornton showed her a place where it could be different – any place at all, as long as it was with him. She felt rising excitement as her train brought her closer back to Milton.

Fate, however, couldn't be more malicious to her and Mr. Thornton. Her mother's health worsened and her brother Frederick had come in secret to Milton. After their mother died Margaret had to send her brother away as quickly as possible. And of course it had to be Mr. Thornton who saw her with Fred late in the night on the station platform. If he had thought badly of her before, what he must have been thinking of her after that meeting... When she glanced at him during the funeral of her mother she saw steel in his eyes. She felt his loathing and it wasn't something she could endure. She finally promised herself she would forget him and would try to live without craving the impossible.

Then she got another blow – for the sake of her brother's life she had to lie to a policeman. Unexpectedly, while she lived in fear for her family, she received information which gave her hope. Mr Thornton had saved her from an investigation. It was a more than generous gesture towards her, given that he knew she was at the station that night. She couldn't understand it, but she was grateful and touched by his goodness. She tried to expressed her gratitude to him when he came for his next lesson, but he immediately cut her off, saying furiously, "I did it because of your father, that's all. I hope that you know that any foolish passion on my part is entirely over." And he left her in the hall. She stood for a few minutes with his words ringing in her ears. Why had he said that? She was unaware that he had any passion for her at all…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

He was outraged. He hated her, and he hated himself for showing her that emotion. He really must not possess the necessary qualifications to be a gentleman, if he couldn't think clearly in the presence of one woman.

After that night at the train station he had tried to analyse his own emotions.

The first time he had truly noticed her was the party at his house. She was so different than Milton's women, and she had stung him harshly with her critical words. They were true words – after long consideration he had to admit that. Then there was her bravery and the open declaration of her feelings during the riot. There were more harsh words and something in her eyes which he recognized as contempt when she refused his offer of marriage, while he was deeply convinced she should greet him with open arms. Then there was coldness during their meetings and her attempts to avoid him. As it happened, this was convenient for him because he needed the space to collect his thoughts.

They met again in London, and this time she hadn't attempted to escape from him. On the contrary, she had faced him and even argued with him again. He had wanted to prolong their talk, but it wasn't meant to be. While she apparently didn't want to offend him, her companions did. They confirmed his opinion about southern men. It was a different world, one which John didn't ever want to belong to.

Then he had returned to Milton. He heard that Mrs. Hale was dying. When he saw Miss Hale in the embrace of a young man at the station he was furious. How dared she jeopardise her own and her family's reputation? How dared she hug some youth? Was that her ideal of man – a pretty face, a coward mindlessly compromising her? John had no clue why he even cared.

Soon after Mrs. Hale's funeral the constable came to him with his doubts about the honesty of Miss Hale. John was aware that she had nothing to do with the death of Leonards. But he also knew that she had lied. Maybe that brainless young man had done something bad, but certainly not she. John knew he wouldn't allow anyone to hurt her, and at last he could pay the debt he owed her since the day of the riot. So he saved her from an investigation. But days passed, and she didn't even try to explain her behaviour to him. All of Milton gossiped, and she must have been aware of that. She kept avoiding him, and he obstinately longed for any gesture toward him. He kept waiting, and she didn't turn up. So John became more and more frustrated. He was angry as much at his own blindness and helplessness, as he was at her.

He was in a bad mood (he was usually in bad mood those days) when Nicholas Higgins knocked on his office door. After their talk, when Higgins implied that Miss Hale had sent him to inquire about work in Marlborough Mills, John's temper reached its peak. She must have known that he still would do anything for her, even compromising himself by hiring a leader of the strikers. And yet she apparently didn't intend to give him even the smallest explanation, and stubbornly didn't want to confide in him. He was hurt, but it convinced him about what he had assumed – she was innocent, but too proud to justify herself. His inner struggle lasted all day, but in the end he had to do what was right.

John hired Higgins, but that was enough. He had to show her he wasn't her slave and that he was still master of himself. Therefore, when she brought up the topic of Higgins he blurted out harshly, "I hope that you know that any foolish passion from my part is entirely over." He didn't even try to delude himself that what he said was true, but in her eyes he saw that she believed him.

Then with no hope and a strange pain in his chest, he had to stand against the many gathering troubles in his business. He felt like his usual energy had left him entirely; it cost him too much effort to focus on urgent matters every day in Marlborough Mills.  
John didn't give himself any opportunity to see Margaret, finally abandoning his lessons with Mr. Hale. But he missed her all the same. His heart had jumped when Fanny told him she had met her. Once he caught a glimpse of her during Fanny's wedding.

Then he heard the news of Mr. Hale's death.

His pretended peace disappeared once again. When he asked Higgins, "What about Margaret?" he discovered that she would soon be gone forever. He finally realized that all his previous frustrations, anger, and many different feelings came from loving Margaret Hale. He had fallen in love with that strange, young, southern girl. She had made so many troubles for him, and then she had taken away his peace and heart. All the while she, of course, didn't want him, and didn't even like him. He felt completely depressed and hopeless.

A few days later, John returned to his house and found Miss Hale there; for him, time stopped for a while. She wore a black dress which contrasted with her pale face. Her eyes were dark-circled, and very sad. In her white hands she held a book. He came closer, towering over her, staring at the book she was giving to him. He extended his hand to take the book, covering her hands with his own. They stood very close and he leaned forward, taking no notice of Fanny, his own mother, or Margaret's aunt. "Forgive me, Margaret," he whispered unconsciously. Then he dared to look at her face. She was looking intently at their hands on the book, but she didn't pull hers away.

_As always I would like to thank whilewewereyetsinners for her wonderful work._


	5. Chapter 5

This was not something she had ever expected. She had been convinced that he disliked or even loathed her. Perhaps he felt sympathy for her because of his dead friend - Mr. Hale. But why would he ask for her forgiveness? She didn't understand, but she gladly accepted the unexpected change.

"Mr. Thornton, I am in your debt. It is I who should beg your forgiveness. And I'm terribly sorry for everything which has divided us."

Margaret took a look back and noticed that the women behind her had abandoned their conversation and were openly looking in her direction. Their faces displayed different feelings: astonishment (that was Mrs. Shaw), displeasure (Mrs. Thornton), and boredom (Mrs. Watson.) These were most certainly not comfortable circumstances for such talk. So she took back her hands and increased the distance between herself and Mr. Thornton to hide the intimacy of their exchange.

"I know," she began, more loudly and with an official tone, "that you have taken that man Higgins on."

Mr. Thornton nodded.

"I know he cannot read or write. So would you be so kind as to write to me about his family? I will be happy with all news from Milton. If that not would be too much trouble for you..."

John stared at her with an unreadable expression on his face. "Of course," he said eventually. "I will be delighted to provide you contact with the friends you are leaving behind."

"Margaret, it is time for us to go," Mrs. Shaw said loudly, as she noticed anxiety on Mrs. Thornton's face.

"Of course, aunt."

Margaret turned her eyes from Mr. Thornton, but then he quickly offered his arm. "May I show you the way?"

She returned her gaze to him. "Thank you," she said, gratitude in her voice, and placed her hand on his arm. Mrs. Shaw followed them out.

When they reached the carriage Margaret held back and made way for her aunt, so Mr. Thornton helped the older woman to get in first. Then Margaret stepped forward and extended her hand toward him, which he took immediately. "I will look forward to hearing about Milton," she said, "and I hope I may count you amongst my friends as well." When he tried to take his hand back she held it for two seconds longer.

His eyes widened in astonishment, but he smiled. "Do not ever doubt it, Margaret." And so they parted. She looked back through the small window at him standing at the yard, until his tall silhouette had disappeared in the falling snow.

Margaret didn't want to remember the next few days: arriving, greeting an overly enthusiastic Edith, unpacking. To Margaret's relief, mourning customs had saved her from most of her social duties. She had been two weeks in London when Edith brought her a letter. There was only one letter she expected so she opened it impatiently. Margaret read the first few sentences feeling calmness fill her heart and mind at last.

In accordance with her request, Mr. Thornton informed her that Higgins, his daughter, and the rest of the children were well. He wrote also that Higgins had proved to be quite a valuable worker. There were also few words about the weather. The letter ended with: "I was out walking when I noticed curtains in the windows of your old house - so unfortunately it is rented already." She detected some longing in those words. She imagined the scene if she was at the Crampton house, opening the door and inviting an astonished John inside. She was interrupted by Edith asking, "I see you received very good news, Margaret. Tell us what has made you smile at last!"

Her mood depended upon the letters. On the day she received a letter she was happy; she smiled often and her eyes shone. As soon as she could she sat to write her reply, and she spent a long time at the desk writing it. She developed a habit of jotting down quick notes when she had some thoughts she wanted to share with John, so her letters became longer. As soon as she sent the letter she immediately was impatient for more news from him, and over the next two days she was quiet and brooding. After two days she became very serious and excited. Sometimes when the time between letters was prolonged she was nervous and harsh to everyone, fearing that it might never come. Perhaps she had offended him. Perhaps there was something between him and Miss Latimer. Perhaps he wanted nothing more than to get rid of her. But then the next letter would come and it was even longer, and the cycle would start again from the beginning.

Over time, their letters became longer and more private. After the usual formalities she had nothing interesting to tell him about her boring life, so she wrote about her yearning for any reasonable occupation. John wrote about the mill, trade, troubles with market supplies and workers, in simple and clear words so she could understand his point of view. But it was clear that he was lonely and had no other occupation than his work. Once Margaret read: "All my life is my work; as much as I could regret it, I must follow my duty to the best of my ability." She felt that under those words there was a longing for respite, but she thought also that John was obsessed by his duties.

She dared to wish him less sorrow. She ended that she always waited for any – even the briefest news from him. She wondered for a while if that was not too forward, but in the end she decided to send the letter anyway.

In his next letter he wrote that in every place on earth there was something to do, because everywhere there were people who would need help. "Perhaps you could find a man like your friend Higgins."

He was right. She was so busy with her own sorrows, as if she was only one who suffered in the world. Margaret suddenly felt so ashamed she couldn't sleep that night. The next day she ate her breakfast before the others came down, and left the house. It was not very difficult to get to the orphanage in a poorer district. Soon she could write to him about her work with children.

Mr. Thornton wrote her that Tony Boucher made big progress in reading after going to school, and Mary Higgins had been cooking meals for the workers. Her further questions revealed that there now was a place set aside for feeding the workers at Marlborough Mills.

When Margaret wrote to him about her visit to Helston with Mr. Bell, and the memories that visit brought, she mentioned her brother. When John asked her about him, she gathered her all courage and wrote him the full story, including Frederick's last visit.

It was not long afterwards that they both had heard about Mr. Bell's death and his last will.

After sending her his condolences, he congratulated her upon the legacy. "I am happy that you are safe and fully independent." That was the first time she had thought about her money in such a way. But his letters became more reserved from that moment on. A few weeks later he informed her of the closing of Marlborough Mills, assuring her that he would do everything in his power to find work at least for Higgins.

Margaret felt the urge to comfort him, so she sat immediately and wrote him a letter. Then she went at once to send it, before she could reconsider.

_As always you have read this chapter thanks to whilewewereyetsinners._

whilewewereyetsinners 


	6. Chapter 6

_I am gratefull to whilewewereyetsinners for her great help with this story. Especially for its ending._

Chapter 6

During the last months, each one of Margaret's letters had been like a ray of sunlight and hope for him. John waited expectantly for a new one every day. His mother would purse her lips disapprovingly with every new letter he received from London, but each time she would ask what news it contained. Mrs. Thornton acted like she was unsure what to think about the strange communication between her son and "that southern girl," but even she must have noticed his lighter spirits and good mood after receiving news from London.

In his letters to her, he entrusted Margaret with his troubles, and without going into too much detail he tried to describe them from two points of view – his own and his workers'. Because she had asked him to let her know what was going on with her friends – his workers - John tried to get into their shoes and see their points of view. It soon occurred to him that it was actually helping him in his relations and talks with his crew. He felt he understood their differences of opinion and problems better than he had previously, and he tried to take their concerns into consideration when making decisions. And it worked. His mill operated without internal conflicts. He had many more willing workers than he needed, and they were loyal to him. His conversations with Higgins showed him that even an uneducated man who was working the looms could have interesting ideas about improving and facilitating their work. It would have been a successful time for his mill if not for repercussions from the earlier strike and fluctuations within the cotton market.

One of Margaret's letters briefly froze him into immobility. She had mentioned in a previous missive that she was considering a visit with the last surviving member of her immediate family. When he asked her about him, she wrote him a long explanation of her brother Frederick and his problems with the law. She concluded her explanation with: "I believe that you saw him at the station with me, the night after my mother's death." If usually after reading one of Margaret's letters John was in good mood, this time he was almost ecstatic. He hadn't realized that suspicions about her impropriety had stuck so deeply in his heart. He was so relieved he had told his mother about the revelation. Mrs. Thornton was more skeptical, but even she eventually seemed satisfied with the explanation.

When Mr. Bell bequeathed his properties to Miss Hale and she had become the owner of Marlborough Mills, John decided that he had to be more careful in his communications with his new landlord. He didn't expect any trouble from her side, but he was accustomed to writing her about various difficulties and he didn't want her to feel any obligation to help him. He was afraid that she might think he was mentioning his problems because he was hinting for her assistance. But before too much time had passed it became a moot point, as his financial situation forced him to close his mill. Everything he had spent so long building was destroyed. He was tired, sad, and his pride was wounded, but he also felt like a great burden had fallen off of his shoulders. He had found buyers for almost all of his machinery, which was modern and effective and therefore highly desirable, so he shouldn't leave any debts behind. His only remaining task was to prepare to move from Marlborough Mills.

Two days after he had informed Margaret that he was resigning his lease he received a short note from her, saying simply, "I have received your message. Please pay me a visit at your earliest convenience."

John had thought he would never see her again. His lease of Marlborough Mills was his last connection to Margaret, so he was aware that by giving up the lease he would lose the excuse and the right to continue a correspondence with her. Such an opportunity would never happen again so he grabbed it. Without a second thought he ran out of his office and managed to catch the next train to London.

He knew it was his last chance to meet Margaret again and he traveled with his head full of her images. He wondered how she looked now. Was there still sadness in her eyes? Does she ever smile? Is she still wearing black? It wasn't until the train drew near Leicester that John asked himself suddenly, "Why does she want me to come?"

He knew Margaret's compassionate heart and expected she was truly sorry for him. He prepared himself for some words of condolences or comfort. But he didn't feel himself deserving of sympathy. He accepted his current situation – he had closed his business with dignity and now his longstanding wish, to see her once more, was about to be fulfilled. He felt as excited as a young boy, and impatiently looked for the London station.

Margaret didn't seem astonished that he had arrived so quickly. She invited him into a small sitting room which she apparently used as her study, as there was a desk covered with papers in the corner and shelves filled with books on the walls. She seemed very nervous – there was no sign of her usual calmness. She didn't even invite him to sit down, she just stood in front of him clasping her skirt in her hands and said, looking straight into his eyes, "Mr Thornton, I know that this will be the most improper thing I have ever said, but I have learned that this life is only one we are given and we have to find our happiness where we are." She paused and took a deep breath. "I know you have been having trouble and that in the past our opinions have not always been... unanimous. But I have considered every option and I suggest that we should marry."

John was speechless, but he knew what she was trying to do. He had written her too much about his failure and she wanted to help him and his workers. He certainly couldn't allow her to sacrifice herself. So he stepped back and said quietly, not looking in her eyes, "I am grateful for what you are trying to do, but it is not your duty to help me-" He abruptly stopped speaking as she came closer to him and clasped his hand in both of hers.

"I don't care about duty. I care about you," she said calmly. Her hands were soft and warm and steady, in contrast to his palms which were trembling slightly under her touch.

His head snapped toward her, and at last she could look in his eyes again.

"I always have," she added, and brought his hand to her lips.

John had no words. He could do only one thing – he gently touched her cheek, drawing her gaze back to his, and kissed her to show her his feelings. After quite a long time he told her, "You are right, Margaret. Happiness is where we are … together."


End file.
